‘We are all just walking each other home’ Ram Dass
I love and resonate with this quote from Ram Dass and in a way, it describes my way of being in the world now that I have learned for stress management. I could not say when I first came across this quote but in a way it is foundational to how I am in the world. It gives me a light touch when dealing with difference and allows me to be ok with not knowing, or only partially understanding, or noticing some resistance in myself to ideas, situations or people. We share a common humanity. It took me many years to how to learn stress management with the mindfulness practice of loving kindness towards myself – building my resilience and compassion I understand a little now about what compassionate presence is. It is slightly embarrassing to recognise the younger striving me wanting to be a kind presence in the world and in doing so completely negating the essential pre requisite of being kind and compassionate to myself. As a young woman I had a deep desire to be of service, to help and serve others and I did this for many years , always striving to do better, to be better, and all the while negating my own needs. I thought that concentrating on my own self-care was somehow selfish or maybe even narcissistic. Needless to say this led to feelings of cynicism , resentment, toxic stress and eventually burnout. I would not wish this journey on anyone but this foundational experience of young adulthood has given me an insight into the suffering we humans experience from a place of striving, all the time negating our own desires and needs. not feeling quite good enough, trying harder. Like many I believed self care, self compassion and kindness to myself might be some kind of softness – maybe even narcissism. In my case my studies of Christian theology at a time when feminist consciousness was just rising helped in a way as I questioned much of the prevalent representation at the time of this wisdom tradition. I am delighted that many years later I have recovered gems from this and many other wisdom traditions so that I can really live with much more ease form the place of ‘We are all just walking each other home’.I love and resonate with this quote from Ram Dass and in a way, it describes my way of being in the world. could not say when I first came across this quote from Ram Dass but in a way it is foundational to how I am in the world. It gives me a light touch when dealing with difference and allows me to be ok with not knowing, or only partially understanding, or noticing some resistance in myself to ideas, situations or people. We share a common humanity. I understand a little now about what compassionate presence is. It is slightly embarrassing to recognise the younger striving me wanting to be a kind presence in the world and in doing so completely negating the essential pre requisite of being kind and compassionate to myself. As a young woman I had a deep desire to be of service, to help and serve others and I did this for many years , always striving to do better, to be better, and all the while negating my own needs. I thought that concentrating on my own self-care was somehow selfish or maybe even narcissistic. Needless to say this led to feelings of cynicism , resentment and eventually burnout. I would not wish this journey on anyone but this foundational experience of young adulthood has given me an insight into the suffering we humans experience from a place of striving, all the time negating our own desires and needs. not feeling quite good enough, trying harder. Like many I believed self care, self compassion and kindness to myself might be some kind of softness – maybe even narcissism. In my case my studies of Christian theology at a time when feminist consciousness was just rising helped in a way as I questioned much of the prevalent representation at the time of this wisdom tradition. I am delighted that many years later I have recovered gems from this and many other wisdom traditions so that I can really live with much more ease form the place of ‘We are all just walking each other home’.
Kindness As A Superpower for stress management
Sharon Salzberg one of the world’s most respected Buddhist authors and meditation teachers, and a beloved mindfulness teacher of mine talks about kindness being a potent skill that everyone can develop. She believes that it is only when we have attended to ourselves in this way that we can become a compassionate presence in the world. For Sharon kindness is simply compassion in action. The start place for being this compassionate presence in the world is taking time and care to develop kindness towards ourselves. Much like when we take a flight and the air steward advises us to put the oxygen mask on ourselves before attending to those we care for, so it is with kindness and self compassion. Self care is not soft, rather it is essential to our being human. In her book The Force of Kindness – Change your Life with Love and Compassion Sharon distils the great spiritual teachings from around the world down to their most basic principles, and one thread emerges to unite them all: kindness, and this as a key component in stress management. She then goes on to offer practical instruction on how we can cultivate this essential trait within ourselves.
Through her stories, teachings, and guided meditations, Sharon Salzberg takes readers on an exploration of what kindness truly means and the simple steps to realise its effects immediately especially for stress management. She emphasises and demonstrates for us how kindness is not the sweet, naive sentiment that many of us assume it is, but rather an immensely powerful force that can transform individual lives and ripple out, changing and improving relationships, the environment, our communities, and ultimately the world. Readers will learn specific techniques for cultivating forgiveness; turning compassion into action; practicing speech that is truthful, helpful, and loving; and much more.
For Sharon when we fan even the smallest ember of kindness, we begin to overcome our own fears, doubts, and personal attachments–and tap an endless source of gentle strength that is always available to us. Once we begin to build this muscle of loving kindness for ourselves we naturally extend it out to others in our lives.
A Practice form Sharon to help build the muscle of Loving Kindness for stress management
Try this – A Loving-Kindness Meditation for Connection and stress management
1. Sit comfortably, or lie down if that’s better for you. You can close your eyes or leave them open. Let your attention settle into your body and start by taking a few deep breaths.
2. Allow your breath to be natural. We’re choosing, as an object of awareness, the silent repetition of certain phrases with ourselves as the first recipient. You can use any variation of the phrases: may I be safe, be happy, be healthy, live with ease.
Repeat these phrases over and over with enough space and silence to create a rhythm that’s pleasing to you.
3. You don’t have to force a special feeling. Just gather all of your attention behind one phrase at a time. If you find your attention moving away, or you get lost in thought, or you fall asleep, don’t worry about it.
4. See if you can bring to mind someone who we will call a benefactor. Think of someone who has helped you. Maybe they’ve helped you directly, or they’ve helped you get up when you’ve fallen, or maybe you’ve never met them. This is someone who makes you smile.
If someone comes to mind, you can bring them here. Visualize them, say their name to yourself, get a feeling for their presence and offer the phrases of loving-kindness to them. Even if the words seem imperfect, that’s fine.
May you be safe, be happy, be healthy, live with ease.
All kinds of emotions may arise. You may feel grateful, or you may feel embarrassed. Whatever may come up, see if it can just wash through you as you steady your attention on the repetition of the phrases.
5. Now, have that benefactor figure offer loving-kindness back to you. Put yourself in the position of the recipient as your benefactor offers the phrases to you.
May you be safe, be happy, be healthy, live with ease.
All kinds of emotions may arise. You may a sense of gratitude or perhaps you will feel some embarrassment. Whatever may come up, see if it can just wash through you as you steady your attention on the repetition of the phrases.
6. Imagine a friend who’s doing well right now. You can bring them here. Visualize them or say their name to yourself. Get a feeling for their presence and offer the phrases of loving-kindness to them.
7. Now imagine a friend who’s having difficulty. If someone comes to mind, bring them here and offer the phrases of loving-kindness to them.
8. Let’s have a party. Imagine a gathering of friends and family—anyone that comes to mind. Offer loving kindness to all there.
May you be safe, be happy, be healthy, live with ease.
9. Then, add all beings everywhere. All people. All creatures. All those in existence. Near and far. Known and unknown.
May all beings be safe, be happy, be healthy, live with ease.
10. When you feel ready, you can open your eyes.
So what is Self Compassion? What does it have to do with stress management?
I am indebted to Kristen Neff who helped me to overcome my younger self’s inability to manage stress or go anywhere near self-compassion. For Kristen self-compassion is described simple as giving ourselves the same kindness and care we naturally give to a good friend. Similar to Sharon Kristen believes that we can each develop skills in self compassion and so find this kinder more friendly way of relating to ourselves.
The three components of self compassion developed by Kristen Neff
- Self Kindness vs Self Judgement
Treating self with care and understanding rather than harsh judgement
Desire to alleviate one’s own suffering
Actively soothing and comforting oneself
- Common humanity vs Isolation
Seeing our experience as part of larger human experience,
not isolating or abnormal
Recognising that life is imperfect (us too)
- Mindfulness vs Over Identification
Avoiding extremes of suppressing or running away with painful feelings.
Allows us to be with painful feelings as they arise
How would you treat a friend?
Please take out a sheet of paper and answer the following questions:
- First, think about times when a close friend feels really bad about him or herself or is really struggling in some way. How would you respond to your friend in this situation (especially when you’re at your best)? Please write down what you typically do, what you say, and note the tone in which you typically talk to your friends.
2. Now think about times when you feel bad about yourself or are struggling. How do you typically respond to yourself in these situations? Please write down what you typically do, what you say, and note the tone in which you talk to yourself.
3. Did you notice a difference? If so, ask yourself why. What factors or fears come into play that lead you to treat yourself and others so differently?
4. Please write down how you think things might change if you responded to yourself in the same way you typically respond to a close friend when you’re suffering.
Why not try treating yourself like a good friend and see what happens?
Today’s Invitation
Read the following poem slowly and maybe a few times. Give yourself some quiet time -just to be for five, ten, twenty minutes or whatever time is right for you. Just to breathe, be and let go as be, and allow each moment to unfold. It is in these quiet moments that we nurture the potent power of kindness and compassion towards ourselves which given time and attention will help us to better manage stress in our lives.
May I be well, may I be happy, may I live in peace….
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